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On Lentils and Unemployment

Do you ever have those days when you just feel like crying and watching 50/50 and eating a dozen donuts and maybe buying three pairs of shoes online?

Neither do I.

(Andy, I didn’t buy three pairs of shoes. Just two. Kidding! So there’s really no reason to look at the next bank statement.)

Maybe it’s all of the Will-I-have-a-job-in-a-week?-Oh-we’ll-be-fine-no-need-to-worry yo-yoing going on at work these days.

Or hormones.

Or cutting back on Starbucks.

Really, though, it feels like we’re so close to starting a new life chapter, but are getting papercuts right as we’re trying to turn the page. 

***

Right after The Great Cull of 2013, Andy and I felt lighter. Unburdened.

And then, while Andy was abroad on business, I got a work-related smack across the face.

And stress ate a box of Thin Mints

(Fine. And Caramel Delites.)

(FINE. And Peanut Butter Patties.)

Looming unemployment? Eat your feelings!

But then I called him in Indonesia, and we started figuring things out.

And he was wonderful.

And I felt fat.

So then, to cool the burn of looming unemployment, and the feeling that I’m a disposable cog, I made cutting our monthly expenses sort of a game.

Gym. Bubye. I can run outside.

Starbucks. Adios. I. Can. Do. Without. Coffee. *Sniff* 

(Until Andy saw me uncaffeinated. Then decided, “Maybe you going cold turkey off Starbucks isn’t the best thing right now.”)

Lentils, hello. Ridiculously overpriced Fresh Market treats, peace out.

Candy, you’re awesome but expensive. (You’re welcome, teeth.)

Monthly Greenpeace contributions, out. The orangutans are going to have to make it work for a little while. 

Credit cards, you no longer hold us in your debty grasp. To the scissory guillotine with ye!

A little here. More there.

Then, wabam!

We’re down a few hundred dollars a month in expenses.

And we’re actually financially and physically healthier than before.

(Even if lentils aren’t as appetizing as a buttery croissant and coffee. And take a little getting used to gastronomically speaking.)

***

And it’s then, when we’ve cut and culled and budgeted and saved, that I realize that we’re pretty damn fortunate to be in this position.

To have a roof over our heads.

To only have to worry about the usual bills.

To have a plan.

To have a bit of savings squirreled away to catch us if we start teetering.

***

So, we enjoy the quieter moments that much more. 

Toting tea instead of crazy-expensive coffee. Plus, it's perfect for downtime.

Celebrate our accomplishments.

 Bubye, debt!

(With Fiestaware) 

Buying Fiestaware! The best way to celebrate the end of credit card debt!

Still have a life on the weekends.

Enjoying a hot drink at a favorite haunt.

And bandage our thumbs so we can turn that stubborn page.

Even if it first takes a little sweat. 

A dollop of blood. 

A few tears.

Or three four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.

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Slipping and Shining

We’ve all had those moments of self doubt.

When we’ve asked ourselves the really important questions in life.

“Am I happy?”

“Can I succeed?”

“Will I make it through to the end?”

“Too much teeth?”

You know, the basics.

***

Some of these incisive questions can leave you wanting, wondering what’s going to happen next.

Not unlike passing a note in sixth grade, wringing your hands because you’re worried that you should’ve darkened the circle around “Maybe,” and more thoroughly erased the one around “No Way.”

(Oh, who am I kidding? That note was being returned to me. Bitch.)

But knowing a little snippet of paper is being printed off for me in the bowels of The Pink Slip Factory of Death packs more of a punch.

More so than I expected.

***

Now, I’m not saying that my job is fulfilling.

Or appreciated.

Or enjoyable.

I’m not saying that it hasn’t killed my work ethic.

Hasn’t driven me to drink on occasion.

I love my job! When I drink. (And Katie, thanks for the pic!)

Hasn’t made me question why I got an MA in a dying discipline.

But hey, let’s flip that coin.

After all, had it not been for this job, I would’ve never had the joyful motivation to pen this or that, or start this blog.

I would’ve never experienced the catharsis of email-slapping a sad sack of human flesh masquerading as a professional.

***

Now, back to that coin. Let’s give’er another flip.

Had it not been for this job, I wouldn’t have had to go into debt when this happened on the drive home from work:

Bye, Camry!

So that I could buy this to get back to work:

Trixxy!

Only to have this happen to it two months later on the way to work:

Trixxy needs a nose job.

But, I also wouldn’t have moved to a small town closer to The Job, where I made amazing friends.

And I also wouldn’t have gotten so depressed by that small town’s lack of LGBT life that I’d decide to make a move for myself–to Raleigh.

Goodbye, Sanford. Hello, Raleigh.

So that I could ignite a long-held passion for LGBT activism.

Speaking Against NC's Amendment One

So that I could do something for the community.

Chosen family.

Nor would I have then gotten so overly involved with volunteer activities that I’d given up hope of meeting that guy, and was my most basest and stressed out self…

Eeeek. Hot mess. (Mona, thanks for capturing.)

…on the day I met him.

Captain Amazing

And my life changed forever.

My knight in shabby-chic armor

***

So. There you have it. The most flipped coin ever.

And as I snuffled and cried and stress ate a box of Thin Mints last night, Andy’s reassuring voice over the phone line reminded me that we’ll be fine.

Because we’ve already overcome so much. And we’ll get through much more.

And have plenty of time to realize just how much light this silver lining can reflect.

How we, too, can still shine.