A Gay, Man-infested Destiny: The First Leg, NC to AL

The trip's first leg, NC to AL

Do you ever have moments while driving when the music’s just right and you think, Wow, this is just like a movie sequence?

Alright. Maybe I watch too many movies, and bitterly know that I’ll never be in one. So instead of stardom, I just inflate those moments and revel in a kind of narcissistic, starlet-centric projection.

Hey, at least I’m honest. 

Regardless, there were so many moments like that during the course of our trip that I thought it was all a dream. Like I’d wake up and still be stuck in my horrible basement apartment from several years’ past, smacking roaches with rolled up Cottage Living and scrubbing off my bedroom closet wall’s black mold with equal parts Clorox and tears.

Thankfully, it was more dream-like than nightmarish.

Packed and ready (and freezing)!

Still, since we both have extreme commutes, it took us a minute to realize that, no, this isn’t another drive to the office.

But when we passed the exit Andy normally takes for work, it started to hit us: We’re really doing this.

It was high time for an adventure of the Thelma & Louise sort. Minus the whole murder-suicide bit. (Although I would’ve shot that barfly bastard, too.)

It was time to rediscover and unlock those neglected parts of our personalities through roadside experiences, local food, good and horrible hotels, scenic vistas, exhaustion-induced spats, the warming sun. Dust them off. Rejuvenate them.  

So we set the tone with Brandi Carlile’s hauntingly beautiful voice.

Because, really, when your hands are numbed by a random cold snap, you’re excited, sleep-deprived mind can only think about coffee, and a plane ride back to Raleigh from a business trip leaves you exhausted, Brandi is your only recourse.

Only she can knock that frost off your hands, get you through a few miles before the coffee sets in, and soothe you to sleep. (Well, maybe not the driver.)

We add a few Neko Case songs to the playlist for good measure.

Ready.

Set.

Go! 

***

By the time we get down to Atlanta, the sun is setting beyond the gridlocked traffic. So we occupy our time entertaining thoughts about what we’ll do if Rick Grimes sidles up next to us on that poor, doomed Clydesdale, warning us that “Atlanta belongs to the dead now.”

*Creepy silence*

Alright, so I should probably cut back on The Walking Dead. (Still, there could be much more worse looking zombie-killers, right? Right.)

As we wind our way through the rest of Georgia and cross the Chattahoochee into Alabama, I clarify where exactly my parents live.

“Basically in the middle of nowhere. Partially underground.”

Meh, clarity is overrated. Before long, we turn onto county roads, then onto back country roads. I slow at the unimposing mailbox and pull onto the gravel access road. 

***

“Here we are!”

Wow. Okay. This is a little creepy.”

Tammy the Prius at the edge of darkness...

“Oh, it’s not that scary, ” I reassure, walking into the surrounding darkness, rattling padlock chains against the metal access gate.

Andy inches closer to the open car door. 

Tammy the Prius putters down the narrow, mile-long road. On either side: dark woods. Above: a beautifully clear night sky studded with stars. 

Along the way, I point out the family dog’s grave and a historic house site, then motion down the road to a partially illuminated hillside.

The hobbit hole

“There it is.”

 ***

We pull up to the stone and glass façade and are soon greeted by my parents and Petey, the hyperactive Jack Russell (then again, “hyperactive Jack Russell” is redundant).  

Petey, the Cujo wannabe

My parents usher us and our ridiculously overpacked luggage inside (hey, we really needed ten pairs of shoes between us). After the requisite reunion with my feathery brother–the every curmudgeonly 25 year-old African Grey, Scooby–we give Andy the tour of the hobbit house before settling in for the night. 

My human sister and feathery brother...

It may have been the driving. But I think it was the unfamiliar pitch black silence replacing the usual ambient streetlight-fratastic ruckus that drove me into a deep sleep.

So sleepy

***

Waking up to sweet potato muffins and pancakes the next morning reminds me how lucky I am to have the family I do.

Sweet potato muffiny goodness

As does hiking with my sister, talking about life and the future, all the while crunching leaves and branches under our feet on the way down to the creek.

The creek...so calming

About an hour or so later, we walk back in and find our dad watching The Walking Dead Season One finale. 

“Wait, didn’t you start watching that before we left?”

“Well, yeah, but this damn TV is busted, so I had to watch the whole disc to get to the last episode.”

“Ah.”

Nothing says bonding like The Walking Dead

He turns back around, hunches toward the TV, and continues watching, letting loose the occasional “Ewwgah!” as Andy and I prep to leave for my hometown, Opelika. 

***

Conjuring stories from my childhood and teen years while driving past my parents’ former historic home, and through a newly revitalized downtown, makes me nostalgic for the little things that made my childhood exactly that. But most of the stores I remember have long since moved, the streets have been reoriented, and the town where I grew up has an even more foreign air to it than when I visited during graduate school. Still, I watch Andy take in the places I cherish and dovetail them with our personal history, gaining a greater understanding of where I come from and how I’ve changed.

And I do the same thing as we peruse an antique mall, pick up things, assess their appeal, and, in most cases, laugh before putting them back.

Over dinner that night, the family eats well, drinks fully, and reminisces about past times and future times, exuding a certain glow—one that’s a mixture of pride and longing.

Alabama hospitality

In the morning, syrup-soaked French toast and black coffee fuels us to continue our trek. (After family photos, of course.)

The travelers and my lovely sis...

The Mirarchi Clan!

And then my hometown becomes a check off the list as we head to Little Rock.

But not before we log away more memories–to push us on when we get frustrated and wonder why in the hell we ever thought this was a good idea.

While delicious, heavy carbs can only fuel you so far when you tire at the wheel. New memories, though, are like jolts of caffeine. Reminding us that this is what it’s all about: figuring out this crazy life on our own terms.

And reveling in the journey.

Two Gays, a Prius, and a Powerpointed Plan

Finding someone who tolerates my quirks and finds most of them endearing was hard enough.

Combining households, thus subjecting him to my neurotic OCD-ADD-informed organizational structures and unyielding design aesthetics, was fraught with the usual hiccups when any two people move in together.

(Okay, so not everyone has to deal with a partner who has OCD or ADD or both or squirrel!)

So. Deciding to drive across the country together hasn’t really seemed like a big deal.

I mean, sure. It’s across the country. Like, from here to there.

Here to there and back again...

Over mountains, through woods, to a rusted-out bus in the middle of the Alaskan tundra.

Kidding!

At least about the bus.

***

We’ll have ups and downs and plenty of turnarounds and screaming matches with the GPS and little spats and possible tears as we pass through Oklahoma and Texas to New Mexico without Starbucks.

Still, we’ll have an amazing adventure. Something we’ve both wanted to do individually, but are now fortunate enough to do together.

And while I know that we’ll have plenty of moments that’ll make others pale in comparison, I’ll still savor the quiet moments, no matter how brief they’ll be.

Like the sun slowly warming the car.

Like me reaching over to rest my hand on his.

Like the exhilaration of passing into another state we’ve never visited.

Like eating great food at random holes-in-the-wall.

Like catching up with far-flung friends.

Like laughing at our fleabag accommodations along the way, and dreaming of the amazingly beautiful, swanky California hotel rooms that await us.

Like making a peanut butter sandwich on the side of the road while contemplating a visit to the Grand Canyon.

Like making macabre references to Thelma & Louise.

Like forgetting all of the work-related bullshit that’s been weighing us down.

Like sleeping in until 7.

Like a threesome in The Standard’s rooftop pool with Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Ashton Kutcher. (Hey, it could happen!)

Like enjoying life a little bit.

***

Maybe I’m less concerned about the what-ifs because I’ll have a copilot.

A copilot with a printed Powerpoint presentation of our trip.

(Yes, I’m a lucky bastard.)

Regardless, I know we’ll be fine. We’ll make it work. Because we’ve made far more stressful things work before.

And this time around, we’ll have the wind behind us, the music blaring, and the knowledge that we’ll be free for a few weeks calming our nerves like a vodka tonic.

With nothing but open road ahead of us and a dust cloud in the Prius’s rear-view.

The Roads We Travel

To my fellow I-40 drivers, I’m an in-process PSA—a future, grisly slide for a Driver’s Education course. With a massive mid-century modern leather sofa–nicknamed Betty–completely obscuring the right half of my Matrix (Trixxy), I try to play it cool. Nothing to see here, police. Just a gay on the road to decorating bliss. With some additional badonkadonk in Trixxy’s trunk.

A muffled observation comes from the floorboard behind my seat.

“Wow, you have two cup holders? Perfect for my Evian bottle.”

Cloaked in a microfiber throw, Andy shifts, kneeing my back and pushing my face into Betty’s leg.

“If I was a lesbian, my hips would be too wide to fit back here. Then again, we’d probably be in a Subaru Forester. Which would mean I’d actually have a seat.”

I try to hum my agreement, but gum Betty’s leg instead.

***

This morning, right as I’d contemplated dropping Andy’s IKEA plates, he materialized in the kitchen doorway as fast as that girl from The Ring. He had an announcement.

“I need your measuring tape. I’m going to see if we can do something.”

Intentionally obscure comments always grab my attention. And, apparently, also transpose IKEA plates from potentially destructive hands to safe cabinet space. Next to my beloved Fiesta ware, no less.

“I’ll be right back. I’m going to see if we can get Betty into Trixxy.”

Smart man. With our apartment in full-fledged disarray—my eyes darting from overflowing boxes to precariously stacked furniture—Andy knew the one thing that could possibly delay me from assuming the fetal position and channeling my inner Nell. No, not chocolate.

Aesthetic congruence. 

A few minutes later, the front door slammed.

“Get your pants on! We’re going to get Betty.”

I smiled. Then narrowed my eyes at the Campbell’s Soup mug-bowls peering out from the cabinet. “Count your lucky stars. You’re safe. For now.”

***

Flash-forward through disassembling Trixxy’s interior and stuffing Betty inside. It’s dusk; Trixxy’s undercarriage occasionally groans from sofa rearrangement. With a few final expletives, we get the driver’s side seat angled enough for me to accelerate and brake relatively safely, while leaving a small space in the back floorboard.

A young family approaches. As I subvert my envy of youth’s bodily plasticity, I reconsider the space between Trixxy’s steering column and driver’s seat.

“This is going to be tight. I hope I don’t end up with an impaled face.”

“Don’t worry. If anything happens, you’ll die instantly. But I’ll probably be okay.”

Fears allayed.

Once the family disappears from view, Andy folds himself into the floorboard and covers his head with the throw. And we’re off.

***

Only one driver induces a life-flashing-before-my-eyes moment, but I narrate that close call out of my running commentary.

“Say something every now and then so I know you haven’t suffocated.”

“I’m glad I brought my water.”

He shifts again.

“Oh, much better. I should tell you I’m claustrophobic.”

WHAT?”

“Well, as long as I can move my limbs, I’m okay. Otherwise, I’ll freak out.”

A few more bumps and curves later, we pull up to the apartment. Removing Andy from the floorboard reminds me of the images I’ve seen of Saddam’s extrication from his bunker.

“Take a minute and breathe. Let the blood flow back to your feet.”

“I’m a little dizzy.”

Andy totters up to the front door and I open Trixxy’s trunk. With a few heaves and close calls with narrow doors, we get Betty upstairs. She’s home.

“I can tell you’re excited.”

And I am. So much so, I barely notice the blood seeping from my battered thumb.

“Don’t get blood on Betty!”

***

About an hour later, Andy and I spread our celebratory Whole Foods loot across the coffee table and sit on the floor with Betty at our backs. Avatar begins streaming through the TV, illuminating the darkened room between Isaac’s intermittent lightening.

And it’s in that moment that I realize, seven years ago today, I came out to my family.

Andy rummages his hand through a gummy bear bag. I look down at my overflowing plate. And grin at the metaphor.